High for This

I may not be the poster child of health since I’ve relocated to New York. Truthfully, my downhill spiral was kickstarted during my brief trip to The Land of Milk and Honey, which should more accurately be dubbed The Land of All Things Pita-Stuffed. I was a fool to think that my transition from Israeli to New York cuisine would mark the beginning of my clean eating kick. In fact the unique, and for lack of a more eloquent word, fat-ass nature, of the urban delicacies I’ve discovered have me legitimately questioning if every restauranteur in this city has a little stoner inside of them.

Because really, what kind of person thinks of these things?

Exhibit A) The menu at STK boasts the twice baked potato- a baked potato turned self-serving bowl. The innards of a potato large enough to have been genetically mutated are shelled out, mashed to creamy goodness, and blanketed with melty cheese and crisp bacon all within its crisped skin. Queen Paula Deen herself couldn’t even think of this shit, a dish that could easily be confused with a hypothetical KFC creation.

…Regretfully eaten too quickly to collect any photographic evidence.
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Image source: Hyperbole and a Half

Exhibit B) The Ramen Burger. I can perfectly envision the birth of the ramen burger. One late night, two broke, munchie-driven pals, and a value case of top ramen. Mostly kidding. Of the off-kilter NY dishes I’ve sampled thus far, this might take the cake for most random. I can’t muster many words to describe the dish, so I’ll allow the below photo to do my job and speak a thousand.

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Exhibit C) One name- Molly. One incredibly dangerous word- cupcake. Upon my NY arrival, my extensive research of all things baked regretfully led me to Molly’s Cupcakes. The bakery is slightly reminiscent of an evil laboratory, hosting classic treats that have been transformed like Dr. Jekyll himself into things far more sinister. From the extensive list of flavors, I only counted three items that were not noted as “covered, stuffed, or filled”. Molly’s sick experiments have given rise to flavors such as eclair, chocolate chip cookie dough, and cake batter, which all of course, ooze their namesake fillings.

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Exhibit D) Last but not least (before my jeans cease to contain me) Holey Cream‘s donut sundae…ice cream sandwich. Because sugary fried dough just wasn’t enough. And neither was sugary fried dough piled under unlimited toppings of your choice. However sugary fried dough drenched in unlimited toppings of your discretion, sandwiching three massive globs of any variation of 20+ gourmet flavors (of which I personally recommend both peanut butter cookie dough and pretzel flavors, while the sass queen behind the counter aggressively promoted salted caramel) has proven itself adequate enough to spawn a two block line out the door of the confectionery playground.

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