On January 2nd at approximately 8am, rebounded from alcohol abuse and filled with the fervor of annual resolution and the promise of a more muscular tomorrow, swarms of Lulu-clad OC locals will flock to their respective workout hubs. While I imagine the scene to mirror some kind of Les Miserables peasant revolt, I will not be able to confirm this claim, as my plans include taking my first workout of the new year into the newfound arctic conditions of Southern California in hopes of surviving long enough to see how my 2015 plays out. Although the population per square inch at LA Fitness this week will rival that of China’s, by mid-February most fitness phonies’ juice diets will be swiftly overshadowed by the Valentine’s Day prep diet (AKA the emotionally driven chocolate consumption diet).
It’s no secret that the rapid abandonment of resolutions is as inevitable as the 2015 whopping divorce of Kimye, and although I literally cringe while my fingers tap away this nauseating Carrie Bradshaw-esque rhetorical question, “I can’t help but wonder”, why amidst a generation of commitment phobes, we keep publicly pledging to adopt the same ambitious routines that we seem to be allergic to.
Nowhere on my list of resolutions have I included going HAM on weights in hopes of eventually being mistaken for Pauly D, adopting a cold turkey policy on Trader Joe’s cookie butter in any form, or starring in my own love story à la Love Actually (although dating a Hugh Grant look alike would not be the worst occurrence of 2015). Instead, my feeble list encompasses a series of manageable aspirations that I am as sure to stick to as this Prince Royce character is stuck on his feeling.
1. Hide your kids, hide your wives, but most importantly, hide your leggings.
Because leggings are not pants– a sad lesson that I learned myself in 2014 when my lack of clean laundry far too often left me with both no alternative and no shame.
2. Sleep less.
Sleep is for dead people, ninnies, and sissies, and I heard something about under eye bags in the trend forecast for 2015. But also because YOLO (and eloquence has officially left the building).
3. Give more hugs.
Sometimes the people in your life need a reminder that they aren’t the smelliest people around, and the hug is a medically proven cure-all for grumpiness, hanger, pity, n’ some good ole fashioned self-loathing (but actually, read dis).
4. Treat yo’self (to one thing that makes you happy every day).
If you’re anything like me, this generally means a trip to Yogurtland, where I have achieved something called Platinum Status (things that I probably refrain from publicizing on the interwebz).
5. Take more bubble baths.
Not quite sure why baths were ever left behind in six year old territory. The maturely rediscovered “horizontal shower”(?) may include but is not limited to: one generous glass of wine, one Netflix-streaming iPad, and one of these guys.