Desperately Seeking Cool Girl

*WARNING* This is a shameless girl power blog.

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Last night for the nth time, I watched Gone Girl (not sure what this says about me, but keep reading), a disturbing psych thriller starring the lesser molesty of the Affleck duo and Rosemund Pike, my ultimate chick crush. Other than being a total sociopath, Pike’s character Amy Dunne is 10/10.

*SPOILER ALERT* The climactic turnaround of the film is Dunne’s revelation that she has not been kidnapped, but that she has strategically framed her innocent husband for her disappearance and supposed murder. Then, like the creepy snake she is, she sheds her Cool Girl skin– the calm, cool, and collected facade she’s worn for the duration of her relationship. She puts on 10 pounds by way of vending machine snacks, chops her polished blonde locks, and Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Good Men– I’m really happy for you, but this sociopathic female proceeds to deliver one of the best film monologues of all time. One of the best film monologues of all time.

“Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer…and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want…I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl. 
[They’re] not even pretending to be the woman they want to be, they’re pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be. Oh, and if you’re not a Cool Girl, I beg you not to believe that your man doesn’t want the Cool Girl. It may be a slightly different version – maybe he’s a vegetarian, so Cool Girl loves seitan and is great with dogs; or maybe he’s a hipster artist, so Cool Girl is a tattooed, bespectacled nerd who loves comics. There are variations to the window dressing, [but believe me, he wants Cool Girl]”

Aside from the fact that this narcissistic beezy is 50 shades of craaazy, she brings up some well founded points. No person on the face of this planet loves seitan, a food that was likely created by its namesake. When is the last time you heard of someone really craving some seitan?

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Hell-o.

OK, I digress, but I admire this sociopath (yep, said that) for shedding some light on a truth that most of us ladies would never admit– well, second to admiring a sociopath.

We’ve all tried on Cool Girl (or Cool Guy for sake of gender equality) for size. Don’t believe me? I present Exhibit A, the box office bomb, Along Came Polly. Remember when poor Ben Stiller scarfed down some salsa-dancing-emoji-girl-status-spicy Indian food to impress Jennifer Aniston because she wanted a totally cool and fearless dood who did not give a frick about his digestive system?

If that sounds familiar to anyone else out there, then you too, have been Cool Girl (and  maybe even suffered the repercussions).

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A classic case of cool guy turned “clogging the toilet-guy”.

So what happens if the object of your self-transforming affection cuts out of the picture, Cool Girl? Are you left with a toilet clogged full of regret? A Spotify playlist of his favorite Freakbeat songs that you secretly always skipped over? A spare tire from all of the chili dogs that you so enthusiastically wolfed down at all of those baseball games you didn’t give a shit about?

To be Cool Girl always, rather than when you’re consciously coupled, shed the man-pleasing facade in favor of the wo-man you want to be. I can’t speak for all of the ladies, but in my eyes, real Cool Girl is woke.

woke (adj.) /wōk/

Although an incorrect tense of awake, a reference to how people should be aware in current affairs. [As in, "While you are obsessing about the Kardashians, there are millions of homeless people in the World. STAY WOKE.]" 


Many thanks, @Urbandictionary.com

She knows wussup in the news before she knows the score of the game, because being a citizen of the World tops being a member of the Boy Scouts. Real Cool Girl does what real Cool Girl wants. Not for the benefit of a dude-man, or anyone else for that matter, because dude-man should just feel pleased to be graced with her real cool ass presence. Real Cool Girl is confident enough to pass up seitan in favor of a cheeseburger (likely with a side of animal fries), if that’s what she wants. She’s self-assured enough to turn down invitations, and knows that being easy-going is not synonymous with being liked.

Real Cool girl has qualities that are unwavering regardless of the company she keeps, because being someone else’s idea of Cool Girl will exhaust you, lead you to a mental breakdown, and cause you to frame your husband for murder.

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